Advice From a New Professional

As a gainfully employed member of society, I would like to find a way to give back to those who are also aspiring to become respected participants of the economy. If you think I’m about to donate money, please take a step back. I just spent the last 2 years as a “volunteer”; Uncle Sam still somehow found out I’m a socialist and took it out on my checkbook; I currently work for part-time for a non-profit and the rest of the time as a budding entrepreneur writer. So if you think I’m about to cough up a dime in your honor, it would only be because I confused it for a Cheeto as I was digging through the couch. No, dear friends, I’m about offer you some insightful wisdom from an inside-the-office perspective. Take heed - this is sage advice that can only be gained from having spent at least one month in a building with incandescent lighting and more than 4 floors.

First is food etiquette: There are good and bad foods to eat while you’re working at your desk. Anything that serves as a vehicle for bringing peanut butter to your mouth is a surefire energy boost and requires little brain power. One note of observation (ahem, not from first-hand experience): ants on a log may be a well-balanced and nostalgic snack, but the smell of celery tends to linger and then you become known as “celery girl” in the break room. Speaking of lingering: no Indian leftovers, heavy garlic or tuna fish…or beans.

Dry granola is another no-no. I tried eating it from a baggie this morning, and wound up with a small mound of flax seeds and oats that missed my mouth and came to rest on the next available shelf – my chest. I was able to subtly clean myself off without drawing attention, but then I noticed that there were flecks falling into my keyboard. How do you go about explaining to your boss that you simply can’t send out the agenda addendum because there is a raisin trapped under your “A”? Does digging dried fruit out of your computer get classified as general admin?

On attire: Always look good until the last possible second. Change in your car if you have to. I’m sure the parking guys would appreciate it. As women of the office we spend so many mindful minutes fixing our hair, lining our eyes and selecting an outfit that is both slimming and sophisticated. Murphy’s Law (if I ever met Murphy, I’d probably punch him): we can spend all day in our respective cubicles, occasionally venturing down the hall to the bathroom or to the FedEx drop box. During this time we will never encounter anyone we know outside of our office network. The day wanes into late afternoon and we close our laptops to head off to tennis, yoga, or ribbon dancing; and the moment the hair gets pulled back and those mesh shorts get hiked up just below the belly button, it’s “Oh, hey, Rachel!  You look, um….you work downtown?” Such timing is simply a life lesson with which we must come to terms. It is a law that cannot be amended, for the law bends to cruel irony and not to toned calves in yellow pumps.

We also must come to terms with the war we are waging. No, friends, I am not referring to the Middle East; I am referring to the printer. Whether you believe in Karma or corporate conspiracy, it doesn’t really matter, frankly. The bottom line is that when on deadline, the indispensable power point that goes in the uber important folder for the highly critical meeting will only print every other page in 4-page chunks. Around the 3^rd printing cycle, the machine will confuse your command with the other administrator’s request to print off 30 envelopes with return address labels. Finally concluding that violence lead to nothing but personal expenses, the next best option is to repeat the same command on your own computer, turn around 3 times and then go to the bathroom. It’s kind of like when you time a visit to the restroom after you’ve ordered food at a restaurant – you know that as soon as you come back your meal will arrive. Same deal with technology – if you go to the bathroom in the middle of an overload, everything will be fine when you come back. I have just given you a small glimpse of my Tuesday. For me, the battle was won based on knowledge of the universe’s tricks. But the war may rage on forever. My advice to you is to be at peace with this, and breathe deeply before hitting “print”.